Selicha

Sept. 14, 2025 Elul 21, 5785

Another important part of my healing journey has been forgiveness.

Not just offering it to others, but seeking it for myself from Gd, from others, and even from myself.

Seeking it can be quite difficult. It takes accountability, courage, boldness, a willingness to not only accept that we’ve done wrong, but to get face to face with the one we have wronged. One of my favorite books, I read to the kids, during this season is “The Hardest Word”, by Jacqueline Jules. The book does a good job of showing us what remorse looks like and that when we find the courage to speak the words that are hard to say, we pave the way to repairing our relationships and righting our wrongs as best as we can. You can be very sorry, repentant even, but if you do not give the opportunity of forgiveness, to the person or people you’ve hurt, how will you really bring healing to that hurt and begin to repair your relationship with them? We should never expect someone to just get over it or to forgive us in time.

Which leads me to my next point. I’ve always considered myself a fairly forgiving person, giving people chance after chance after chance. The truth is, what often looked like forgiveness was actually me burying myself under people pleasing. “Forgiving” those who never repented. I’ve often been in situations and relationships where I’m just supposed to get over things, because it’s “the right thing to do”. To “forgive”, even though things didn’t change and people didn’t appear to actually be sorry. However, it wasn’t forgiveness. It was hurt and resentment and anger building up inside of me. It’s led to people mistreating me and taking advantage of my “kindness” while leaving me feeling a deep constant anger. If that’s what forgiveness is like for you, beloved, that is not forgiveness. Forgiveness leaves you with a sense of having a weight removed from you. It’s true, you don’t have to wait to forgive someone. Forgiving another is just as much for you and your benefit as it is for the other person. It is a release of that resentment, that anger, that hurt. It is an accepting of the person as they are and an opportunity to evaluate your relationship with them and to do your part in correcting what is unhealthy, even if it means changing the depth and status of the relationship.

Part of repairing the world is repairing relationships including our relationship with ourselves. I’m sure I’m not alone in finding it hardest to forgive myself. I’m the only one I have any control over and I should’ve known and/or done better. I hate making mistakes and doing the wrong thing and causing others to hurt. Beloveds, beating ourselves up for it all is not what we do to others and not what we deserve. We are human. We make mistakes. We do things wrong sometimes. And yes, sometimes others get hurt. If we haven’t, let’s apologize and work towards healing that relationship. If we have, let’s show ourselves some love and understand that what we are doing now, seeking forgiveness, doing our best to right our wrongs, count for something! We aren’t wallowing in our wrongdoing continuing on the same path, so let us wash off the muck and look ourselves in the eyes and say, “I forgive you and I love you.”